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How to Help a Friend

Helping a Victim

If you have a friend who is experiencing relationship abuse, express your concern and stay calm. Be there. Listen without giving advice, unless it is asked for, and believe what he or she tells you. The three key things to remember are to listen, believe and support.

Listen

  • Listen with sincere concern.
  • Avoid confrontations. Let them know that you are there for them if they want to talk.

Believe

  • Validate, accept and respect their experience.
  • Don’t judge, blame, or criticize.

Support

  • Don’t make decisions for them and do not try to rescue. They should maintain the ownership of their experience and be the one who makes any decisions.
  • Don’t give ultimatums (stop dating him, or I can’t be your friend anymore).
  • Give resources: You can provide them with resources that can help them like a website or hotline number. Or, encourage them to talk with a counselor, or a trusted adult such as a school counselor, teacher, interventionist, coach or parent.
  • Affirm their strength and abilities.

How to Have a Conversation

Bringing it Up

  • “The way he/she is treating you isn’t ok. Good partners don’t say or do those kinds of things.”
  • “How do you feel when he/she does that?”
  • “I’m worried about your safety, and I’m afraid he’ll really hurt you.”

Listening

  • “I know this is hard to talk about, but please know you can talk to me about anything.”
  • “I’m here to help and am always here for you, even if you don’t want to talk about it.”

Believing

  • “No matter what you did, you do not deserve to be treated that way.”
  • “It’s not your fault that he/she treats you that way.”

Supporting

  • “I want to help. What can I do to support you?”
  • “Whatever you decide, I will always be here for you.”

 

Helping an Abuser

If you know someone who is abusing their partner, here is what you can do to help. The three key things to remember are to identify, listen and support.

Identify

  • Speak up! Recognize and name the abusive behavior when it occurs.
  • Hold the abuser accountable for his/her actions.
  • Let them know that the behavior isn’t cool.

Listen

  • Allow the person to tell their story without condoning or minimizing their behaviors.
  • Credit the person for recognizing the abusive behaviors as a problem.

Support

  • Encourage them to get help, and to talk with a counselor, or a trusted adult such as a school counselor, teacher, interventionist, coach or parent.
  • Help them recognize the abuse.
  • Be a role mode for healthy relationships.